Prior to doing my men's weekend in April of 2007, I did exhaustive research on Justin Sterling so I would know EXACTLY what I was in for. I heard all the, "you just have to go and see" and "don't question, just trust." After completing the weekend, I discovered there was really no intelligent information about the weekend. Most of the information on the web was by hysterics, and many of them did not complete the weekend. This blog is an attempt to help you make an informed decision.
First of all, I completed the weekend. Most of the men who attend generally finish. It appears that women finish less frequently because they tend to be more confronted by the weekend. Where men are open to being more "masculine" (the primary lesson of the weekend), today's female tends to resist being told they should submit to more traditional gender roles.
I did the weekend because I've been divorced twice and I'm under 30. In addition, I was in love with a VERY damaged woman who had done the women's weekend. The Sterling principles had become and continue to be her "religion" and she was adamant that I take the weekend if we were to remain a couple. In other words, I let her push me in to it because I was trying to hold us together.
While I don't regret my participation in the weekend, I wouldn't do it again. The truth is, you can get something out of any experience and this weekend is a real challenge in battling your fear. In addition, there are very solid relationship principles that are essential if you are to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner. The problem is that you pay $800 for a good chunk of truth and a whole lot of worthless lecturing, exercises, etc.
Despite what the hysterics think, there is NO brain washing taking place. The execution of the weekend is unfamiliar to most, which is why many who quit claim it's dangerous mind games. It's not dangerous, but I would confidently say it is unnecessary for most intelligent men. On the other hand, I saw many people from my weekend experience dramatic change, which was positive.
Bottom line, the weekend is beneficial for emotionally damaged men/ women; they are the ones who experience the greatest "transformation." The problem is that because most of those people have no real emotional foundation, they become obsessed with the Sterling principles and commit unhealthy portions of their time to participating in men's or women's groups that practice the philosophy.
If you're a complete emotional mess with legitimate relationship issues, take the weekend. That said, JUSTIN STERLING IS NOT GOD. He is merely regurgitating basic principles of relationships and throwing in his own mix of native American ritual garbage. The weekend is a good starting point. From there, continue to learn about relationships by reading intelligent books on the subject and exploring your issues through therapy. The weekend should not become your religion.
After the weekend, I bought a book called Doc Love's "The System." I have no association with Doc Love. I merely read some of his articles online and found they made sense to me. I made the investment in his book ($100). When I received my copy, I found EVERY SINGLE PRINCIPLE of the weekend clearly explained and explored in much better detail than in my weekend. Justin Sterling does not allow you to take notes, so most of the information is forgotten. Thus, you commit yourself to a men's group, which is really a bunch of sociopaths who can't function without the Sterling principles. There are physical exercises in the weekend that are of benefit, and you can't discount an intensive 3 days of nothing but straight relationship exploration and advice. That said, if you're a bright guy with a good sense of himself, I'd recommend saving the $800 and making an investment in some good books on relationships that are NOT WRITTEN BY WOMEN.
The weekend is not a "cure all" and it does not change everyone. My ex girlfriend claims the weekend changed her life. In truth, it helped end our relationship because she found other damaged women who would support her insanity and unrealistic relationship expectations. She's every bit as much a mess as before she took the weekend. She never practiced the principles in our relationship, and she made my life a living hell. At some point, you make a personal choice on whether you will change independent from the Sterling Weekend.
In closing, the weekend has some value. Is it worth $800? Not in my opinion, but everyone gets something different. My life wasn't changed, but I did learn things. The thing is, I could have learned those lessons for $100 bucks and without getting naked.
Good luck.
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8 comments:
I have been asked by a member of the Sterling club to think about attending the next weekend in the late fall.
I've been able to find plenty of negative and positive things, but nothing like what you have said.
Thanks, I'll give it some more thought.
I did my weekend in 1992 and I still utilize some of the tools or events that adrenalized me over the 3 days. This is not only about relationship, it is about men. You, yourself, your son and your own father or dad. It is now 2012 and with all the media and technology of today, men are still SCARED to talk to another man. Talk, simple, not BRO either, men and basic communication.
The fact that I would go to battle with you and I can trust you with all of my heart is very scary to another man, who may be sheltered by society. You just communicate as a man, without authority and also because us men are all jerks and we communicate the same, dispite how society labels each of us.
Try it, experience it and take whatever you can take from it, as long as you allow yourself to experience it, as a warrior. No brain washing there, just the truth, for your to discover & no one can make you do anything, you have the ultimate quality - Free Will.
I enjoyed reading about your experience/thoughts on the mens' weekend.
I went on a men's weekend in '93. I don't regret going, but like you, I think I paid for more than what I got out of it.
For my part, I was one of those 'mixed up sociopaths' that you mentioned. I came away from the weekend thinking I was some sort of urban cave man, and just about destroyed my relationship with my future wife (sort of a male counterpart to your ex).
I think I did take away a few good things from it, but I'm glad it's not part of my present paradigm.
My advice to any man about the weekend is this: if what you now have works for you, and your relationship 'works' (maybe not perfectly, but...), then your money is probably much better spent elsewhere (unless you have deep pockets, and are just curious). If you can't seem to make anything work, and can't keep a relationship together, then maybe the weekend might do it for you. But then again, it could do the opposite, depending on the woman you connect with. Like I said, it very much did NOT work for the relationship that I was in, and still am in all these years later.
Is it a cult? Speaking as a former cult member, I'd say no, I don't think it's a cult; but I think that some weak minded people can become emotionally dependent on it in a way that is not altogether different from being in a cult; and in that sense it can be a bad thing, if one let's it.
With a real cult, you get mind control, and are forbidden from thinking for yourself or questioning what the leaders teach. In the cult that I was in, the leaders actually said "When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done!" (June 1945 issue of the Improvement Era)
I seriously doubt that Sterling takes things anywhere near that far. Yeah, they make you sign a waiver and statement of secrecy, but if everyone knew what went on during a Sterling Men's Weekend, it would lose its mystique. Yeah, you'll do things there that are perhaps way out of what you might consider normal or 'respectable', but there's no weird sexual stuff or sense of being forced to do anything against one's will. I have never had anything to do with the Sterling organization or their weekend, since going on the men's weekend back in '93, and I've never had any desire to. At the same time, no one from there has EVER contacted me to ask "Why aren't you 'with us' now? Why aren't you part of what we are doing?" No, I think it's just 'business', like Mr. Sterling says on his web site.
Like Eddie said, just take away from it what is useful. Or maybe save your money and just by the book that he mentioned.
Final word: It's not for me, but I don't regret going on the weekend.
Al the Ex Mo
This is interesting as your opinion, but I'm more curious about the content of the weekend than just a thumbs up or thumbs down.
Easy, attend and Meet Mr.arrogant,Justin...all full himself.
I just went to the last Men's Weekend that ended on Sunday - totally outrageous! Uncomfortable & unconventional. Its all about finding a context that serves our children, parents, relationships, and purpose in life.
I noticed a few thing:
- while there are broad and simple generalizations made about men and women, the information seemed honorable and respectful of both genders.
- There is a big theme of personal responsibility
- Justin doesn't tell anyone what he should do or how exactly - he talks a lot about getting clarity about "the man you always wanted to be"and then doing something about it
- discipline seems like a big deal
- He talks about finding your men and using them to help you show up better for your family and career
Personally, I found the rigor and depth of the format really started to change me in ways I wanted: not arguing with my wife and kids: not yelling around the house; holding basic disciplines like keeping my word and being on time; taking responsibility for my actions; taking and leading on more commitments for my community.
I would say it beats the hell out of a year of therapy (at a cost of $5k).
I did the weekend in 2001. I was 26 and in a relationship. The girl was cool but I knew I didn't want to marry her. I came back and joined up with other men in my area that had done the weekend. We called it a team and we would hokd each other accountable for stuff we should be doing as men in our community. In all it was a benefit to me. But there is a warning. There are men that are sociopaths. That have deep rooted issues and when in an environment of what is supposed to be a team, can try to manipulate you into ending a relationship because they don't see it as you do. That's why I left the team. I am still in contact with some of those men. Some very good men. If you're interested in the weekend I would say do it. But it is a learning experience and not a cookie cutter way to live your life.
I went to my weekend in 94. I never considered myself as an emotionally damaged person. I was ready for a change in my life. I felt complaicent and a bit on the shy side. At the weekend i met men that i could trust, i mean really trust! It was freeing physically and mentally. Sure i found Justin to be full of himself, but not much more than any other confident and sucessful man. I participated on a mens team for some time after that. There i found "my men" i have had the privilage of several men that would drop anything at anytime to help me or my family. A comforting thing in this day and age.
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